Riddle me this my farcical friends:
Why does our mutual friend, one Mr. Winnie the Pooh, walk on two legs and not four?
I mean, he is a gentleman of the bear variety, yes?
As such, one could reasonably suggest it’s only logical to wonder as to why such an aristocrat, with the ability to use four legs, a far more practical option, chooses instead to stumble along like us human folk on two, right?
*Leans close. Eyes fill with tears. Whispers:*
“Is it the cocaine?”
Ha.
NO.
No!
Though he does like that honey…
NO— How dare you!? You should all be so very ashamed. My boy Pooh Bear’s a straight shooter.
Realest OG. Baddest mother-
Ok, that’s enough.
Perhaps though there’s a more serious question that we of the curious kind should be addressing instead.
Why hasn't he eaten Christopher?
*Slams desk. Throws whiskey glass at wall. Rips off clothing.*
DAMMIT.
I just don’t know Capt.
I guess… I guess we’ll never know.
*Slides gun and badge across desk.*
Think about it though. I mean Christopher is like RIGHT there. All the time. He’s people. Pooh’s a bear. Portable food.
IT'S NATURAL.
I—
I don’t know where I’m going with this.
Perhaps we should just… leave it there?
Or alert the police?
…No… I think not. Let’s just move on.
*Clears throat. Smiles ghoulishly.*
I don’t know what’s going on with me this morning.
So.
Some introduction eh?
Went a little ‘off the rails’ if you know what I mean. Literally none of that has anything to do with this post. Just something I wanted to get off my chest I suppose.
I am nothing, after all, if not a serious man.
But today I thought we’d do something a little more creative than the usual. Something a little more mirthful. Combine any two characters from any two stories in this big world of ours and have them fight to the dea—
I mean, guess if they’d be good together.
So, let’s play a game, shall we?
1: Romeo and Doctor Lecter
Not two names you’d ever imagined reading together eh?
Here’s my thinking:
No one really likes Romeo.
Like, literally no one.
And Doctor Lecter, well…
…Could find a better use for him?
…
Oh god— I’m so sorry.
After I stopped laughing (at my own joke, I know), I realized just how terrible that was. Funny, but twisted.
Probably.
Actually, I can’t tell anymore.
It seems no matter where I go with this post, things get rather dark rather quickly.
Anyway, too late now. Upwards and onwards folks.
Here’s the thing, Romeo would be the annoying follower / supporting narrative every good story needs, and the one person I can see combating that annoying annoyingness (see, I do words mother) is Dr. Lecter.
Now, he may be needing some spices for tha—
Oh dear…
Dammit, but I’m funny.
2: Paddington Bear And Gandalf
Well, I mean, this one’s obvious right?
Only a fool wouldn't draw the connection.
ONLY A FOOL.
But I’m a fool, so here goes.
Paddington loves marmalade. This is a fact. I think it’s safe to assume so too would Mr. Gandalf. So we’ve established there’s something they could talk about.
Not only that though, but Mr. Paddington, also of the bear variety, is a gentlemen of the highest kind in every respect. You know what I mean if you grew up reading of his adventures, all rather dull in hindsight. But nonetheless, he’s perhaps the most polite bear there is, and would almost certainly refrain from eating Mr. Gandalf simply because it’s rather inconsiderate and messy.
He would also make an absolutely lovely traveling companion for Mr. Gandalf. Mr. Paddington is a big fan of exploring the world, and Mr. Gandalf is almost always on the move. Plenty of chances to discuss the marvels of marmalade.
Here’s a weird thought though. In an admittedly strange way, does he not remotely remind you of Bilbo?
This weird and lovely little fellow, fond of his home and the quiet, but secretly wanting to explore the world?
Paddington: “We’re going on an adventure!”
Gandalf: Sighs. “Dammit.”
Maybe Paddington could be the new Bilbo?
3: Hermione Granger And James Bond
My reasoning here is that maybe James Bond would stop being such a dick if he had Hermione as his sidekick. I mean, I love the guy, but objectively he’s a bit of an ass. Fleming’s early books focused more on character development than his later ones, and they are undoubtedly quite masterful, but all the same revealed James Bond to be a serious piece of work. On the other hand, Hermione is a good person. So maybe together they’d find a balance.
Here’s the other thing though, I don’t know who’s world they’d be best in. Hermione in the world of espionage, or Bond in whatever you call Harry Potter’s world. (Marine-land? I don't know.) And because I’m the fairest in the land (yes it’s me Alfred, not you), let’s try to take a look at it from both sides.
I’m pretty sure Bond would be arrested / straight up murdered fairly quickly at Hogwarts. I mean the whole tux and gun thing, which I just realized now they may not even recognize, is a pretty obvious giveaway he doesn't belong. Not to mention that on average he murders someone every 2 minutes and 17 seconds. I feel that could make things a little… awkward.
I can just imagine him walking around though.
Harry: who r you?
James: Bond, James Bond.
Harry: …Wat u doin heer?
James: Take me to the non-stirred Martinis. And the name’s Bond, James Bond.
Harry: Ye- u said.
James: …
James: Bond, James Bond.
I’m not sure why Harry spells like a three year old, but for some reason I just assume he’s unable to reasonably spell. Makes sense.
But I mean that’s if they even have campus police there. They should though. If they don't have campus police, they really got to get on that. ‘Cause it’s actually a pretty shitty school.
Anyway, Hermione in Bond’s world might fare a little better. She could stop him from falling off train roofs and stuff.
I think it’d go well.
4: Oliver Twist and Randall Flagg
Well, now that Bond and Hermione are out of the way, we can put our serious faces on for a more somber pairing. For which we’ll need wine.
Oh so much wine.
Some of you fine folk are familiar with the… uniqueness that goes on here at Blue Sky Writing, but please bare with me through this next one. I know things can get… weird (hug me?), but there really is a connection. If admittedly an incredibly distant one.
So, here’s my theory. Oliver Twist has got it tough. Society has pretty much left this poor kid to fade away into nothing. No one really cares about him, and I mean that’s got to breed some sort of resentment right? Fact is, he needs a friend, someone to look out for him. Someone to teach him right from wrong.
Well, why not a maniacal necromancer?
Why not someone intent on destroying the society that has failed him?
Why not Randall Flagg?
Mr. Flagg is definitely a character of many questions, but the one similarity he has throughout all his appearances in King’s books is that he despises society. The man just wants to see the world burn. And you know what? So does Oliver Twist probably.
The two would be well set to help each other bring the world to ruins.
Teamwork!
Not sure how much real help Oliver is going to be to Randal, but maybe he could bring him snacks or something.
Destroying the world’s hard work.
We should know.
Hi-o!
Self-five!
5: Eddard Stark and Sherlock Holmes
The thing about these two is that their so clearly opposites in ways I’m sure you’ve never bothered to think of before, it’s funny. Holmes is like the definition of crazy and sporadic while Stark is his blatantly un-blatant opposite. Slow, serious and calculated. While Holmes is borderline daft.
I think they’d balance each other out in a rather comical way.
I’m fully aware I’ve a strange sense of humour, some of these posts certainly stand as testament to that (and probably a few criminal cases by now), but that’s a strange sense I think I share with more than a few of you. I think the possibilities for comedy between these two would be rife, and that it’s exactly the kind of comedy I’d find really quite funny. I don’t know why, but it’s difficult to stop laughing even just writing this as I imagine the two going about their daily business together.
Holmes: “Lemme just take a look here-"
Stark: *Pulls out sword*
Holmes: “Is that really necessary?”
Stark: “…Winter is coming.”
Holmes: “Pull yourself together man.”
Comedy gold here people.
Alas, at long last, here we are.
We laughed and we cried, one a lot more than the other, but now it’s time to go.
It was fun?
Same time next week.
I’ll bring the wine and the crazy. Thanks for reading.
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